The healing path: part 2
Wayne Kwok - Student Ministry Associates
"Our self-concept is determined not only by how we view ourselves but by how we think others perceive us. Basing our self-worth on what we believe others think of us causes us to become addicted to their approval."
- Robert S. McGee
I came across the above quote while I was preparing for a sermon on Joseph. And it shocked me realizing that my strive for excellence and perfection was a sickness I induced on myself, stripped me off from my varicolored tunic, and left me bare naked and defenseless in the mercy of God.I can only remember so much of my childhood years, surely certain areas are more vivid than other, and one as such are my childhood heroes. Whether it be a recognizable character or a historic paragon,the heroes and heroines in our lives ultimately captivate and elevate us to what we only dreamt of becoming. I remember my childhood heroes... yes... there was Captain Tsubasa, and there was the late Colin McRae. But there was also one particular person whom I look upon with great admiration and respect. That person is my father.
My Father
Ever since I was a boy, I look upon my father as a man of vast knowledge and great discipline, who is endlessly striving for excellence - he is a man of confidence and responsibleness. Above all, he is greatlyrespected among his peers. However, he is always modest and humble, and he rarely talks about his accomplishments. I remember one incident: it was when my family was packing for immigration, and I was helping my dad with sorting and organizing some documents. While doing so, I came across one old magazine with my dad’s picture on the front cover. Only then I learned that my dad was once featured on a world renowned business magazine.
Silently admiring your father is one thing, but walking behind his footsteps and driving to impress him with your own accomplishments is another. Especially when I am alike him more than what runs genetically. Alike my father, I am the eldest among my siblings, and being the only son we both bare on our shoulder the family name.
We are crazy about cars, just as enthusiastic about photography, we both have been in Scouts for countless number of years. So in more ways than one, I am my father’s son, and subconsciously, my definition of success is derived as repeating what my father has done, and from that I am able to earn his attention and approval. This task becomes ever more difficult as my younger sister, since elementary school, has always had higher grades than I did.
My Journey
Circumstances didn’t really change overthe years. Rather, my journey of faith in Christ grew more challenging as God’s plan on my life became more transparent yet more dislocated from my own plan. So dramatic to an extent I am left choice-less but to humble myself before the authority of the Almighty. I had always thought I was walking in a path pleasing in God’s eyes. I diligently served in church choir, I was the chairman of my fellowship, I did all that is required of a good Christian, and I thought my path leads to approval and acceptance before God. I am not declaring I lived a life without fault, but I believed wholeheartedly the faith I uphold and my response through this faith will earned me the approval and love I seek so eagerly from God , or so I thought.
After I graduated from University, I immediately landed in a provincial government position in what was then the Ministry of Transportation and Highways. The job nature was quite labour intensive, dangerous also, but it was nevertheless my first step in building my career in the field of my interest - G.I.S. (Geographic Information System). However, this milestone turned out to be only a pebble, as this position lasted only 5 months and due to cut-backs in government funding, my contract was not extendable. Nonetheless, this setback did not deviate my calling in going into the field of G.I.S., and I quickly submitted my application to B.C.I.T to further my education in this area. Time quickly went by and after a year or so, I am a well-equipped professionally trained qualified G.I.S. specialist. I had high expectations, of myself, of the potential of this field, but most of all, of God using me in this field to change the world.
8 months and there was only a hand full of interviews, and most of my classmates have already landed a position either in or out of town. I did not really questioned my own ability as I whole-heartedly believed I have what I takes to perform in all environments. What I started doubting was God’s intension.
I can say the feeling is much like Joseph - while he was still in jail, after he helped out the chief cupbearer and chief baker, surely he had hope, but was eventually disappointed. But what I learned from Joseph and his stories is this: Joseph, without knowing how long he must endure his current stage, continued to hold his trust and faith in God, and that is what is pleasing in the sight of God. I believe this is what encouraged me and gave me strength to keep pressing on.
The following year was my lesson in trusting and having faith in my God. Those were not easy times. I tried my best to keep myself busy, to keep going, make use of my time, make use of myself because being unproductive is a sin in my worldview. However, no matter how hard I tried, I am unable to work myself into a permanent job. No matter how hard I work, I cannot gain the approval of my employer. Swinging from contract to contract, eventually I was left jobless again for another 6 months, left unwanted, unapproved, unaccepted. No matter how hard I work, how much I do, I cannot earn or gain what I long for.
God’s Approval
In order for a slumpdog to find love and approval, one of the means is to strive for perfection in all that you do with hope you can gain the approval you seek. Alike Joseph, that is the driving force for the majority of his life in Egypt. For him, his identity before Egypt was solely build upon the love he received from Jacob. Yet, even that was not a resultant of any of his actions. It was purely because ofwho he is: Rachel’s eldest son and a son of Jacob’s old age. However, ever since he was sold, he needed to earn his identity, and the world surround him convey only one message: I must be approved by certain others in order to feel good about myself; but in order to be approved by others I must conform my actions to their expectation. Hence we learn that our self worth is build from our performance and other’s opinions. But if his experiences were reflections of God’s approval of him, I wonder if Joseph ever doubted God’s love towards him. I thought he did, but I was wrong.
Joseph’s encounters were never a reflection of God’s love. All the adversities were not a resultant of Joseph’s obedience or rebellion. God did not love Joseph more because of his perseverance or love him less when his faith grew weak. God’s love and approval of us does not conform to the world’s norm. Yet, we constantly take the world’s ideology and mold it like a cookie-cutter on God’s love for us. We thought through our good behavior, our total obedience, God will love us more and keep us safe from all misfortunes. Our God is not such a God, or else we would all fail in his sight. He did not and will not vary his love for us according to our behavior. He loves us just because of who we are - we are His precious creation and the ones Jesus died on the cross for. This is the gospel we all believe, but a lot of us cannot separate grace from deeds. We have yet find the liberation the gospel brings upon our lives today. We are still bound by our deeds, though we claim it not. We cannot through any of our deeds earn or lose God’s love for us, and we must learn to accept this love no matter how unlikely and impossible this grace seems to be. Regardless what the world conform us to, we must be re-created in God’s love.
It is with this new perspective I start realizing the unconditionalness of my father’s love. During all these years I have been trying to perform to gain his love and approval. But the only requirement for him to love me did not lie in any actions of mine. I have finally break free from this heavy bondage, this baggage that I have carried for so many years. I must give praise to my God for I have been blessed with an earthly father so much alike my heavenly Father, who demonstrated to me what acceptance and love is. The challenge for me now is how to bring this same acceptance to others.
