Dear God, I am in despair again

by M.W.

Dear God,

I am in despair again.

Here’s what I am thinking: what good is a faith if it ends up that there’s a whole bunch of stuff that I need to do and it’s all really hard and it hurts like hell to do it? I want to be healed and transformed. I want to @&$! up my life and stop filling it up with s**t: For example, the TV I am trying to justify buying because it is a great deal and I am moving - but I don’t even watch TV / but I COULD start watching TV etc etc, right? Just like those games and books that I think will make me better.

Here’s the truth: none of that stuff matters, and my parents and one / two friends are amazing because they are defined by their void in this regard. They are not defined by what they have - they are like logo designs that are amazing cuz of the negative space - by what has been left out.

The fundamental question I have is: when? And, also, are things going to happen at all? I guess it’s a basic foundational faith question... Yes I know about Bible & old age & childbirth.

There’s a lot of easy answers / platitudes that I can give myself, like I SHOULD just be able to believe and do, or I can think my faith is a warm and fuzzy faith and it’s all gonna be OK.

What if it’s not? What if, in the big book in the sky, it says that we’re going to withhold some things for this guy’s life, or it says that this guy should have done a particular thing “x”, so then he will get “y”.

Destiny?

Here is a thing that I struggle with: the people around me who have lovely lives and attractive smiles are (a) content and (b) have beautiful Richmond lives with double garages. The truth is sometimes I wish to be a part of it. Sometimes I wish I can just be content and be that healthy guy who drives a 2006 Civic and who plays soccer and then prays over webcam with his girlfriend of 9 years every night and he’s an accountant/engineer/advisor and you just KNOW he is an accountant/engineer/advisor until he retires and he doesn’t have a fat gut and his parents are in HK and he has financial discipline to save money for the wedding and apartment. Sometimes I want a piece of that life, or at least the personality - the contentment and the discipline.

Which leads me to this question: when is it holy discontent and when is it just being destructive? Like I said, why can’t I ever pray those warm fluffy prayers? Why did you create me to be such an extrovert and crave attention so much but at the same time hate pointless stuff that people do so much?
I think this question kills me. I want to be holy, but what does it mean to be holy? Cuz I can’t do the kind of stuff that others are doing. But are those things “x”, the requisites for “y”? I am actually just a weasel, as you already know. Yeah. If that’s the road, tell me, so I will try it or stop wasting your time...

Thanks for listening, I know I am being very individualistic right now but thanks, it makes me feel better.

Please send help. I can’t stand this alone.